A Journey Through Seminarian Life

Deeper Sense of Vocation

2012-02-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

I think i figured something out. I have been trying to figure out whether I am called to the priesthood or not and all this time its always been a roller coaster. There are some really nice times where the ride is smooth and some times where its a bit rough but overall, something has seemed to keep me here. Being at the seminary also helps me to look interiorly and I ask myself those tough questions that reveal who i am at a deeper level. I finally realized that who I am as a man should not change. I find women attractive, I wouldn't mind having kids, I see the idea of a family as a beautiful thing. Let me slow down and say that i am not thinking of leaving the seminary at this point and here's why: I love God and so far, i have discerned that God wants me here. I feel that God has called me to the priesthood. So just because I feel called doesn't mean that one day, these urges will go away. In fact, they probably wont EVER go away. After all, I am a man, so why should they? Its in my human nature to want these other things but there's a reason why i don't. Knowing who I am and who God is calling me to be (at the very least, he's calling me to holiness) has really helped. Now if I could get get a hold of my self discipline :)

1/20/2012 Vacay

2012-02-10T14:31:00.000-08:00

1/20/2012

Well it’s the first week of classes and the spring semester is under way!

Looking at this past winter vacation, I tried something different this time. I noticed that I usually get into some type of spiritual trouble when I go home. I think of it as I’m a sailor on ship-leave. Anything goes at times… THIS TIME, I prayed for a fruitful vacation. I asked God to keep me away from harm even though I may not want to do the right thing. Its tough going home because all of the old temptations come back (really fast) and well, I know that I had to prepare myself for these temptations somehow. So prayer really helped. It turned out great! I had a great time taking my friend from Portland around Southern California and even the Grand Canyon. I noticed that by hanging around my seminarian brothers, I could still have a great time and they too would help me keep away from my old ways. Please don’t get me wrong, I still hung out with all my old friends but it was even better this time around because I felt God’s grace keeping all of us safe. Yet it wasn’t surprising though because I’ve always felt like as if someone was keeping me safe my whole life. There have been many occasions in my life where I have sat back and said, “WOW.. either I’m really lucky or someone’s looking out for me”. To me, this is God.

11/2/11 Year Two: All Souls day

2012-02-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

11/2/11

Hey everyone happy All Souls day!

On this day of recollection, we are blessed to have a retired Bishop from the Yakima Diocese (Washington) give us a retreat and so far it has been on the love of the Father and trusting him. Or at least its what i've walked away with so far. It has been very helpful because first of all, sometimes it feels like my decision to come to the Seminary has been the biggest blessing and curse i've every had. haha The constant tug and pull of "finding" the will of God is tough. Or i should say that I make it tough because i still have trouble trusting Him. Bishop Sevilla gave us a few examples that really made me think about things a bit differently. His first example was of when he was a child and he was crossing a cable bridge. The water was so high that it would touch their feet at times and he said he was scared but then he realized that his father was holding his hand really tight and he was reassured. Like that, we too should always remember that our Father is holding our hand. The next example was that of a father teaching his son/daughter how to ride a bike. The father reassures his little one that he wont let go and they'll be okay. But when the child finally looks back because they realize they're going faster then their father could run, they realize that they've got it and they're riding the bike. And lastly, he gave an example of a new born baby. This one really hit home because my brother and his wife just had their first child and i got to hold her while i was in California. Anyway, he said that for the first few months the new born is always in someone's arms and that its good because the baby learns love and feels safe. But when the child is placed in a crib he/she will usually cry and whine because their alone and are vulnerable. Just as it seems that they are alone, the parents are teaching their child a new experience and although it may seem as the child is not loved because no one is around, It teaches the child that he/she is still loved even when the parents are in the next room. so too are we loved and so too is God teaching us to walk/ride a bike and He is teaching us to fallow him.

I hope I can just forget about the other things that hold me back. Like the lack of freedom in the sense of not being able to do everything i want, whenever i want. To know that it is all with a purpose and after all, i am happy here. I am grateful for my vocation and i need stop trying to run away and just trust in God that everything will be okay.

God bless all of you! much love to all!

9/28/11 Year Two: getting back into the swing of things

2012-02-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

9/28/11
HEY EVERYONE! its been a minute since I've written any of these journals. So much to talk about but i know the time is limited to my own attention span and homework load. I hope this email finds everyone well.
     As for me, the first month in the seminary has been filled with ups and downs. torn between what my soul wants and what i want for myself. I have fallen in love with the academics here once again. Last year i wanted to leave because it wasnt challenging enough and this year, it is pretty tough. We're learning a lot more ancient philosophy and since i'm in between my sophomore and junior year, i am also taking classes like philosophical anthropology and modern philosophy. and since i've already taken medieval philosophy, everything is coming together very nicely.
     My own spirituality has been a challenge but i think I've got it under control now. When i was in NYC, i only went to church once a week and so i had to fight myself to get back into the daily routine. I've NEVER been a daily mass type of guy but if this is what i want, then i need.. i WANT to fall into a deeper love with God and so, i have to put in the effort. its like love with a person i guess. The couple never really wants to part for too long. then it grows into something deeper and more intimate.
     My parents came to visit me this past weekend and i really enjoyed their company. I was sad to see them leave but i know where i need to be and i've accepted this distance from everyone and well, it sort of keeps me going. I cant waste this time here because i feel as if it would be all for nothing if i let this opportunity slip by. Having my parents here really made me miss everyone back at home and every one of you who receive this email. Even though we may not speak, know that you are thought of and missed.

8/20/11 Year Two: Going back to the Seminary

2012-02-01T21:07:00.001-08:00

8/20/11

So big surprise, I am home and ready to go back to Mt. Angel. I know I haven’t written in over a month so I am a bit behind but it has been such a crazy journey, I really had to step back and analyze everything in order to really put it all together.

School was turning out well until I realized I was not going to get the private student loan until the end of September. That wouldn’t have been too bad if my job would have given me the 40 hours a week they said they would. They changed their mind and said they would "eventually" give me the 40 hrs/week. Not only that, it was costing me $14/day just to get up and back from work. So most of my check went to traveling expenses.

Spiritually I also realized a lot about myself and what I truly am being called to.

1: I kept praying that God would open doors for me and well, I noticed that I was clearly looking for the wrong doors. Haha more about this to come.

2: I was laying in my bed one night and I kinda realized that the person I am would really fit the life of a person who gives their lives to a ministry such as the priesthood. As if I was made for more then just being a teacher/parent.Of course i have to mature a lot. but that's normal.

3: Even while I was in NY, I noticed that most of the time when I went to church, I could see myself as the priest behind the altar. I brushed it off the first couple of times this happened but I couldn’t ignore it after a while because I felt at peace every time.

And lastly, when I told Fr. John (my vocations director) about all of this, he offered to get me back into the seminary and pay for my flight back to California. I had to literally say that I wanted to return though. He makes us express ourselves accurately which is good because it helps us learn to express our spirituality. So I felt like Jonah wanting to escape God’s call only to be dragged back to where God wanted him. Haha.

NYC is amazing and I miss it already. I loved every moment of my time out there. From seeing an actual flash mob to walking the Brooklyn bridge. Running in Central Park to traveling 2 hours (4 round trip) to work 3 times a week. Even the trash can full of maggots that we found in our apartment. Teri told me to find those moments that we will hang on to for the rest of our lives and I did. I have enough memories to last me a lifetime.

NYC helped me understand God’s call for me and accept it at a deeper level. Last year I wanted to leave because I wanted to get married and be a teacher. Of course I would still love to get married. That feeling might not change for a while; however I understand what God wants of me now and I know the sacrifice that every priest has to make. And I accept this for “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed”.

Last Journal

2011-05-02T22:17:00.001-07:00

So I made my decision official as of last Friday. I still feel comfortable.. I feel stress free.. I feel at peace with my decision and yes I am leaving the seminary after this semester which ends on Saturday. As I sit here and reflect on this year I can say that it has been the best year of my life and no one will ever be able to take this experience away from me. I’ve met some really holy people. I’ve gained great friends. I’ve lost a few too but only time will tell how that all turns out. I truly saw the beauty of the priesthood. I’ve see what it is to a servant and I’ve grown in holiness.

Three major things that I am leaving with:

I’ve fell in love with spiritual direction and cannot see my life without it. As soon as I get back, I will find a priest who can continue to help me see the road in front of me. I can best describe it by seeing a road filled with debris and as soon as I meet with a spiritual director, He helps me clean up the road so I can better fallow it.

Another thing I am leaving with is the desire to learn and to give back what I learn. I am not the smartest man in the world but I know I am gifted and I am a good teacher. I just hope I can one day find a career in the education field.

Lastly, I’ve realized that I am called to one day get married. My spiritual director told me to be diligent so I will “be diligent” in finding the woman I’m supposed to marry. After all, I cannot find something I’m not looking for. I will be able to see God in this person and if I’m right for her, she’ll be able to see God in me.

So for now, I’m just relaxing and cherishing every moment I have with my seminarian brothers and I will pray each prayer as if it’s my last. after all it will be my last moments up here on the hill top. I’m excited to get life going outside the seminary because I have direction and I am confident in the person that I’ve become.

Thank you all so much for being a part of this amazing journey. I know its been like a Mexican tele-novela but its been well worth it.

Much love and God bless you!

Holy Week

2011-04-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

So Lent is over and Jesus has risen from the dead. As He has risen, there’s a certain joy in the air. We as Christians are blessed to re-live these days every year because it reminds us what was given to us. The sacrifice that Jesus made for all of us in order to show us true love.

I was able to spend Holy Week at home working at a local parish near where I live. The trip taught me a lot in so many different ways. I learned a lot about Liturgy and the importance of catering it to the community (when possible). I wanted to speak to my Pastor regarding my discernment process but I never got the chance because we were all super busy. The day that I had off, well, he did too.

Now that I’m back in Oregon, I have 2 more weeks left. I think next Tuesday is our last day of classes, Wednesday and Thursday and finals, Friday is moving day (for everyone who is moving rooms) and Saturday is graduation. After Graduation we’re officially on summer break until August. I know I told everyone that I would post my decision whether or not I would be leaving the Seminary after Easter but I am waiting until my next journal.

This year has been one of my best years. There have been many ups and downs but I know that I’ve grown as a person. I’ve grown intellectually, I’ve grown spiritually and I’ve grown into deeper love for God. Granted, I still have my faults; I still can be immature and over react, but I know that I am a way better person now than I’ve ever been. And I will continue to grow no matter what road I take because I feel that I have learned how to ask myself questions and how to reflect on things in a way that will help me get out of those sticky situations that life can throw at us. Above all, I know God loves me and that He is always with me, especially when I’m down. There’s nothing we could ever do, that will make Him love us less.

God bless and I miss you all.

Asta Pasta

2011-04-09T13:00:00.001-07:00

Haha i use to say Asta Pasta instead of "goodbye" or "later"..

I love having a chat with my Spiritual Director because he helps me say what I really mean. I’m pretty good at expressing myself but he just makes it so much clearer. I told him that I will be disconnecting from the outside world for the next two weeks and he really liked the idea and the reasons behind them. He felt it very appropriate and was kind of impressed I guess. He also told me that regardless of the reasons why I leave, God will always love me and bless my decisions (being that they’re good ones). That gave me some peace of mind knowing that I’ll always be loved. He also gave me some spiritual exercises and taught me how to ask the Holy Spirit to bless my future plans. I really am at peace with leaving the seminary and I feel that I’ve thought about it a lot and have come to my decision with my heart and mind. Now its time to ask for God’s blessing.

I’m also going to try to let go of all the feelings I have in my heart regarding leaving the seminary for these two weeks. I am going to focus on doing what I have to do. I was just assigned to be the lead coordinator of a College 1 outing and also a video project for the retiring faculty/staff members. So I’ll be pretty busy doing that along with everything else going on up here. I’m asking God to bless my new direction that I want to take but I’m also asking Him to redirect me if He wants me to stay.

The beauty of this is at the end of Easter, I am going to decide whether I stay or go. Once I make that firm decision, I will be at peace with myself and I will have one less thing to worry about. If I stay then I will be confident that God wants me here and I will be amazed by what I had to give up. Few people know about that. And if I choose to leave, it will give me enough time to say my goodbyes and prepare myself for the next chapter in my life. I’m not going to post anything for the next few weeks so till next time, YOU are loved and even though I haven’t talked to you in a while, you’re amazing just the way you are!

Making it Count

2011-04-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

Two week ago, I was already counting the days until I returned home. One of my brothers here on the hill named Art reminded me not to count the days, but make them count. I was so stuck on going home along with other feelings of emptiness that I began to get lazy in the classroom; my prayer life was suffering, sadly, I was sick and I didn’t go to prayer, Mass, or class; everything was just going down the drain for a good week or so.

There’s a Greek word Metanoia and when I first learned the meaning, it captivated me. From my understanding, it means to see with new eyes or to change ones mind. I don’t know Greek but as far as I know that’s pretty accurate. The idea is to look at things differently in order to understand. Maybe I really needed this time to see everything with new eyes. After all, if this is God’s will, then I will somehow find the way.

As far as I know and according to how I feel, I still am looking towards taking that 2 year Leave of Absence and finishing up my BA outside the seminary. But as Jesus was in the desert for 40 days, I feel that I am going through my desert and how else can I get out of it then by trusting in the Lord and committing myself to him entirely asking him to guide me. On that note, starting April 10^th, I will be disconnecting from the outside world until Easter Sunday (April 24^th) in order to really focus on prayer, Mass, class and community life here on the hilltop. I have faith in Jesus and if nothing changes, then I will know my place is within the married life, hopefully as a Religious Ed/Philosophy teacher. By allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, I might also see things with new eyes and if I do, I hope I have the strength to fallow His light. Thank you all and God bless! Much love always!

The Sunset

2011-03-30T20:52:00.001-07:00

Couldn’t keep from writing. What can I say, it’s the way I express myself. So one of the beautiful aspects of living and studying at the seminary is learning something and then seeing how it applies to real life. Although I originally learned these proofs of God’s existence this past summer, I can’t help but to reflect on this beautiful sunset that I sat and watched the other day. The idea of how someone can say that there is no God when they look at something so beautiful is beyond me. God created this world for us to live freely and to freely choose to love God every day of our lives.

As I sat there I was able to reflect on the beauty of the world and how blessed I am. My family is amazing. My friends are all very special to me. Although we all have our problems, I love every one of them for who they are because it’s then that you know you truly love someone; By taking them with all their junk and them taking me for all of mine. And in turn, by loving others, I am showing God that I love Him. I’ve done my share of stuuuupid things and I know I am blessed to have a God (and people in my life) who forgives me.

The sunset was just amazing and I’ve wanted to watch one for a while but just haven’t had the time/opportunity until the other day. haha Call me weird, sensitive, girly, or any other name.. I don’t care, as long as ya still love me for who I am. But if ya don’t, it’s cool. I still love ya :)

If you love something, let it go

2011-03-27T02:41:00.001-07:00

Sorry I’m just on a roll tonight. I’ll try not to write next week

I always hated that saying but I guess I appreciate it a little more. I always thought “don’t let it go, LET IT SHOW!” I often feel that we don’t let our love show enough and because of that, it can die out. Recently, I’ve learned to “let it go” in a couple of different ways… but in regards to my discernment, I noticed that I came into the seminary with the I’M GONNA BE A PRIEST type of attitude. I was on fire. I felt that this was it for me. No letting go, or turning back. I was, in a sense, holding on so tight that I was suffocating my vocation and not letting it breathe. Ignorance maybe? I don’t know but as soon as I started to let it go, I started to notice a change. I don’t mean I didn’t care, I mean I started to let it take its own course and allow it to grow instead of forcing it. So the saying “if you love something, let it go” works in this sense that I had to let it go to allow it to grow on its own.

Now in relationships, (friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, family ect.) I still feel we should always let it show first! I mean don’t smother the person but… here’s an example in my life. My friend Jorge wrote me the most amazing comment in regards to my discernment and well I know I’m a good guy but as they say, we are our own worst critic and sometimes, especially this week, I’ve felt a bit down and out. But his words really touched me and in a sense gave me the strength to keep my head up. So because we don’t know what kind of mood each of us are in, I feel that showing that love to one another is key because we just might get them out of a slump or make them feel even better about who they are! As Bruno Mars says “you’re amazing just the way you are”. Sometimes we just need to hear it from others. I personally would hate to lose someone because I let my own pride, selfishness, or unhappiness get in the way and in turn not say how I truly feel about a person. I can go on and on and on but I’ll end it with this: If you’re reading.. Which I hope YOU are. “You’re amazing… just the way you are” much love to you all. See you soon (41 days!)

what's He up to?

2011-03-25T11:19:00.000-07:00

I know I just wrote a journal a few days ago but I feel like I’m behind one since I didn’t write one during my spring break. Even though I spoke with my vocation director and my fellow OC brothers and I feel confident in where God is telling me to go, that doesn’t mean it’s easy either. Haha I doubt myself and my judgments but I keep saying to myself, ‘if God is gonna change my mind, he’s going to do it sooner or later’ or if I’m on the right path, He’ll keep laying it out for me. He always has a way of doing that I guess.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been sick since Wednesday morning or other things going on, but I feel like everything was going great and now it’s like BAM! Not anymore!! Haha. Like I lost something and can’t do anything about it. But the reason for me writing this is not to release stress but rather to just remind everyone that even through the tough times, one might want to ask themselves ‘what’s God up to with me right now?’ I was flipping out for the past 2 days but then I remembered that God has to be working in me right now and so instead of getting mad or upset because I can’t control the situation, I should just try and figure out what the lesson is he’s trying to teach me. I haven’t figured that part out completely but I do feel a lot more at peace after I started looking at things differently. Am I still sad? Yeah, but I know God is working in my life and I’m going to learn something out of this, so it’ll be worth it when I get out. Much love to you all and have a great weekend!

Spring Break '11

2011-03-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Spring break was a great time away from the Seminary. It was a perfect time to stay close to God by attending daily mass at my home parish and also spending time with as many people as possible. I got to see most of my friends (Chris, I love you brother, I’ll see you soon enough) and I spent some good time with the family. Even though things didn’t go as planned with them, I still feel that God was at work through the tough times. I did spend a lot of time with my friends but it’s really hard balancing time for everyone. In that sense, I am blessed to have so many friends but it is hard to see everyone in one week. my priorities might have gotten mixed up a little bit but i know it was all for a reason. I thought the seminary was a busy life style until I went home for a week. haha.

So I think after this spring break week, I realized a lot more regarding my vocation to the priesthood. I feel that many people don’t understand the fact that in the seminary we are expected to go through tough times and we are also here to figure out God’s will. Being in the seminary does not mean that we’re already priests, nor does it mean that we already have everything figured out. Don’t get me wrong, some people do have it figured out but most don’t and there’s nothing wrong with that.

That being said, I spoke to my fellow Orange brothers and they gave me some good advice. They told me that it might be better to take a 1-2 year leave of absence and in that time finish my Bachelors degree and then see and what’s the best fit for my life. If at the end of the leave of absence, I feel that I am still being called to the priesthood then I can come back. If not, then I can at least move on with my degree in hand into a teaching profession.

Those feelings that I feel regarding married life are still there and after constantly thinking and praying about it, I feel that this leave of absence will be good for me to really see where God wants me. I am really sure that God is calling me into this new direction because of the way God has been working in my life since I arrived to the seminary. Each path has its ups and downs and I know I experienced those highs and lows this past week but I know it’ll all be worth it in the end because I feel that I am doing my part in prayer, listening to God, keeping up with my studies and living the community life. I think that's another key in this.

Blah-mode

2011-03-09T21:19:00.001-08:00

I sit here in my room multi-tasking and doing nothing all at the same time. As I am finishing up my essay for my Reading Literature class, I am also listening to The Fish online, writing this journal and reading some random stuff. I cant help but to think of this Lenten season that started today. I am grateful that I am here in the seminary and I hope that this experience changes my life even more. This year I am giving up soda and I am boosting up my daily prayer time. I guess the last couple of days I’ve felt as if I didn’t want to do anything anymore and it’s taken me a lot longer to finish this essay than usual. Normally I can knock out a 3-page essay in a few hours but this essay has taken me 3 days so far and I’ve basically done a paragraph or two a day. I wonder if it has anything to do with me going home for spring break? In one sense I can see spring break effecting my mood because I just want to get home already and on the other hand I know I’ve always been a lazy person, and that’s why I always procrastinate. This year I want to make a conscious effort to pray to God so that he may help me get over this hump for good. I seem to really only be able to do one or two things at a time but I know I can do more if I just applied myself a bit more. I think one issue is transitioning from one task to another. That can be pretty tough for me. Most of the time, I do a little bit of each task and either they all get done slowly or none of them do. haha any suggestions are more than welcomed.

I probably won’t write another journal until after spring break in order to give myself time to think about everything going on in my life and to better reflect on God’s path for me. Thank you all for reading. Much love!

The Light is Getting Brighter

2011-03-03T22:51:00.000-08:00

I had the meeting with my spiritual director and I cannot say enough good things about this wonderful priest. I feel as if he affirmed the new direction God is showing me. He said a lot but one thing that stuck with me was he told me to explore (mentally, NOT physically) this route because it will lead to good things. He said that it definitely sounded like God is up to something and he commended me for being so open and honest about it. I remember my vocation director saying that to me and I guess it stuck. He said as long as I am honest with myself and others, everything will work itself out and here, things are working themselves out.

Certain people and certain situations that are going on back home, along with what I feel is happening to me up here, all have to do with this and my spiritual director feels that I should pay attention to everything and see the signs that God is putting in my path. I am seeing and feeling things and God is showing me these things through other people and he says that in the end, it’s what those feelings represent that matters. He also asked me to pay attention to the things that might bother me about the seminary and to write those things down. To be honest, I’m a very easy going guy and nothing really ever bothers me so that is going to be pretty hard. There are certain things that bother me but I don’t think they’re enough to make me want to run away from the seminary. In a sense this is another reason why I feel that I am not running away and that this might be a legitimate calling.

I just heard news that my grandfather is close to passing and I can only imagine the pain my dad must be going through at this moment. My grandfather is 95 (plus or minus a few years) and has been an amazing influence on my life and I more so on my dads’. I pray that make my dad, along with his sisters (my aunts), make it to his side before he passes on. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than seeing your family before falling into eternal rest. Tonight has made me appreciate my family and life much more. I feel empty tonight. There's a reason for that but... wont go there. haha. Someone, ANYONE, call me cuz i'm going nuts! haha just kidding. But this, along with the other things going on in my life have been exhausting on me today. I know things will get better.

I hope all is well with you and if you haven’t said it in a while, tell your parents that you love them because “don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”. And even if they're already resting in God's glory, say it anyway because I'm sure they're listening!

Aftermath

2011-02-26T18:49:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, I just wanted to tell everyone once again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for those who responded to my last journal. You have no idea how much that meant to me. It feels good to know you are loved and well, I felt really loved! I ask that you please say a prayer for me during these times. The meeting with my spiritual director was canceled (rescheduled to the following Thursday) because of the bad weather so I have not had the chance to talk to him about all of these things going on but I have noticed some things. I’ve spoken to some people who have felt like leaving and I noticed some key differences. Some guys feel lost or scared and some feel like they’ve lost their vocation where as I feel that I am seeing a different direction unfolding. I’m not scared at all, I still love going to mass, when I pray, and it’s with joy and true devotion. I guess only time will tell. This all might be a test and it might strengthen my vocation to the priesthood or it can truly be an open door that I think I am seeing.

Either way the Lord will provide and as I’ve learned in my Introduction to the Bible class, the Lord keeps reaffirming us and redirecting us when we get lost. Its our job to keep a watchful eye to notice the lifesavers being thrown at us. And well one thing that I like about myself is that I (regardless) will always say “yes” to my Lord because I just don’t see how I can say no. even if here were to want me to be a homeless man in the streets, I would still follow him. In the words of Bruno Mars: “I would take a grenade for ya/Throw my hand on a blade for ya/I’d jump in front of a train for ya/You know I'd do anything for ya” well, I like the song. It’s a bit twisted but the idea of doing anything for someone is kind of how I feel about God. Because he not only died for us, created us, loves us, ect, how can I NOT give him my life.

The Struggle Within

2011-02-15T10:47:00.001-08:00

First of all I would like to wish you all a Happy belated Valentine’s day! I hope you had a great time with your loved ones. Although I start this journal/blog on a happy note, is a reminder to me that I always have to be grateful for what I have in life and appreciate how God is working within me. The last week was tough and I went through so many different emotions and even contemplated on leaving the seminary. Not so much because I cannot handle the seminary but rather because I felt that God is calling me another direction. And in one sense I still do feel this way.

My whole life, I never applied myself to education. Since elementary school, I’ve never had the self discipline to do anything out of routine. The only thing that I cared for was going to football practice. Jr. high went by and I got into trouble and still was passed on through the education system. High school, I did enough to be able to play sports. I passed because I was smart enough to pass and I don’t think I ever read a book in its entirety until after high school.

Having said that, I have found a love for learning here at the seminary and I like most of my classes. Although I can still skate by without really applying myself, I am actually learning the discipline that I never really had and since I like the material, it makes me want to pick the books up and learn. I am even reading an extra book on the side. This whole idea as been fermenting in my for the past month and I finally figured out what it was that was troubling me within. I think I might have a desire/calling to be a teacher somewhere in a Catholic school system. Now that I am finding a love for education and knowing that I’ve always loved to teach people, this might be a new direction that I would have never found if it wasn’t for the seminary. The desire to get married is still something within me and so is the love of the priesthood. Quite a struggle.

I almost drove myself crazy last week but one thing that calmed me down was this: I know that I have given my life to the Lord and that He will do whatever He wills with me. If He wants me to be a priest, then so be it. Or if He wants me to be a teacher of some sort, then so be it! I did not get here in a week and I will not leave that fast either. This will take a lot of time to discern and what better place to discern this than the seminary.

Kickin it with the Homeless

2011-02-07T21:46:00.001-08:00

Being a college 1 seminarian, we do not have a specific Pastoral obligation other than informally being there for our fellow brothers on the hilltop. This last Friday, we took part in an immersion program set up for us in Portland. No one told us anything about what we were going to experience because it’s worth the mystery and anticipation. I won’t get into everything we did but I will tell you that our time in Portland was to be with our homeless brothers and sisters and to learn about mental illness and its place in today’s society. At first, I felt very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I have had past experiences with the homeless but I did not know how to approach them or what to say; I didn’t know how to help them. I could only sit there and feel helpless. Then after we distributed clothing to them, we sat around and talked with everyone who stayed for a warm meal. This is when I first started to figure it out, it’s not about helping them, but rather, it’s simply about listening to them and being compassionate.

Moving up in “the real world” has broken away some of my compassion that I once had. Because of my own personal drive to move up and to be successful, I lost sight of the little things that mean so much. Don’t get me wrong, I know (hubris-ly) that I am a pretty nice guy, however I did notice that in a way, I started to become desensitized by our culture and I started to see personal gain as commonplace.

This reflection prepared me and gave me the right state of mind that allowed me to refocus on what was important in order to go through with the last part of the night. I was assigned to stand outside and greet everyone as they came in to take part of the soup kitchen event. After all the food was served, I was asked to just chat with everyone/anyone. I learned to see them as a community of people who are just like me, but just caught a few snags along their path in life. It must be even tougher for them to get back on their feet because the way our society treats them. Not being able to use a public restroom as a quick example. Most homeless people have some sort of mental illness that they did not choose and cannot just turn off. And yet they were so happy and thankful for everything that was given to them and I at times complain about the food we get here on the hilltop… It was a real life-changing moment for me. Thanks be to God for allowing me to go through this.

A taste of California

2011-01-29T15:58:00.000-08:00

There have been so many blessings that have come my way in the last few weeks. I am ever grateful for each one. I will begin this journal session talking about last weekend’s trip to San Francisco for the Walk For Life. The fellowship amongst the 45 of us on the bus ride to and from was great. We watched some great movies, prayed together and also got to know each other a lot more. I mean 22 hours on a bus will bring anyone together! Once we got Saint Patrick’s Seminary, where they were gracious enough to open their doors for us, we hung out as a big family of about 80 seminarians strong. The walk itself was on Saturday and there were over 50,000 people. There was such an amazing presence of faith amongst the thousands! I would say that the primary religion was Catholic but there were other denominations of Christianity, and maybe even non religious. There were many moments where I felt like crying because of the immense display of faith and also when I saw things that hurt. How can pro choice be so hurtful? The ones protesting against us were very hurt and I can only hope to understand their pain and feelings. Most were wronged by someone and I know its hard to move on and let go of the past. It made my faith stronger and I realized that God was truly present in that moment with all of us, whether we liked it or not.

The other blessing was the visit from my Vocation Director. He is such an amazing priest and his presence among us made us feel like we were in California again. He was here for official business but in my eyes, he was just visiting. He was here to conduct formal evaluations on the guys from the Diocese of Orange who are third-year College and above and since I’m not there yet, I didn’t have any of that additional pressure! Even though I did not have a formal meeting with him, we did sit down and discuss how things were going for me and also my future here at this Seminary and where I might end up for Theology. I can only say that I am very happy with whatever the outcome may be and I will continue to strive for academic success. Academics are very important but it’s not all that we do. so that being said, I know have to try my best in all 4 pillars of formation. If you do not know them they are Academic, Human, Spiritual and Pastoral formation. My Vocation Director gave me some additional responsibilities within our Diocesan community here at Mount Angel. He appointed me as the social chair. Meaning I’m responsible for the get-togethers amongst us and to ensure that we meet up at least 2 times every 3 months for dinner and a movie or any type of outing. It’s not must but it’s enough to keep me busy

Second semester: First week of classes

2011-01-15T12:50:00.001-08:00

This week was the first week of classes and I am taking fewer classes but more units this semester. Last semester I took 15 units within 8 classes. Two of which did not count for any academic credit and this semester I am taking 16 units within 6 classes. This semester I am taking Latin II. The class went from 16 to about 7 because it was so tough. And I’m sure conflicts might have something to do with it. Intro to the Bible. This class seems really cool because we’ll be covering the whole Bible within a semester. Obviously we’ll be moving along pretty rapidly. Ethnographic Writing is just research class. We’re learning how to gather information, create surveys (both written and spoken) and some other things. Physics and Philosophy. This class is pretty intimidating because I have never taken Physics, however the class should be interesting because we’re looking at Physics through the eyes of a philosopher, and we’re looking at Philosophy through the eyes of a physicist. Reading Literature. The books that we will be covering seem interesting as well. I am not a natural reader so the only thing keeping me excited for this class is to get over with it. just kidding. I’m interested in reading fictional material because it might give my brain a “time-out” from Philosophy. And the last class on my schedule is Thomistic System. This class so far has covered the stuff that I ended my Logic class from New York. So far it’s all review. We will be studying St. Thomas and his Summa Theologica. I can’t wait to get into this class because I love St. Thomas and all the amazing work he did in the 13^th century.

Aside from classes, it feels really good being home. Yes the seminary is a home away from home and I am really comfortable here. I had a really good Spiritual Direction meeting this last Thursday. It helped me get rid of that guilt that I had built up when I was at home for Winter Break. I am going to read Matthew 9:9-13 and ask “How Lord, did you do it! How did you not fall into the trap of the Pharisees?” Love the sinner, not the sin. Something I learned somewhere along this journey.

5-day Silent Retreat

2011-01-08T10:38:00.000-08:00

1/7/2011 19

Wow! All I can say is WOW! (Well I can, and will say more haha) The silent retreat went above and beyond what I expected. I expected to come and just be quiet for a week. Not talk to anyone and just go through the motions. This was my first 5-day long silent retreat. The only other days of silence I’ve experienced was on All Souls Day and a couple of evenings of silence. We were asked to be silent for about 8 hours. This 5-day silent retreat was great because of many reasons but the ones I will explain are the ones that really impacted me.

I must start off by saying that I witnessed a group of religious sisters this summer in NYC go through a silent retreat and they were amazingly quiet. They set my standards really high because of their silence. Having witnessed that I really tried to just let the Spirit move within me and guide me.

The retreat master, Fr. Jeremy is a wicked-smart man. He gave 9 conferences in this 5-day span and every single session was amazing! All he did was give reflections upon passages in the Bible. BUT the depth of which he went into was motivating, inspirational, brilliant, humbling and heart-felt. He is a Theologian who teaches here for the first semester and in Rome the second. He will be receiving a very prestigious award in 3 weeks recognizing his passion, devotion and ability to teach Theology.

The book that I read (Light of the World by Pope Benedict XVI) was very good. I read about 35 pages every day and I ended up finishing the book on Friday. The book was a bunch of questions that were answered by the Pope. He touched on many subjects regarding the Church, himself and his predecessor Blessed John Paul II. I really enjoyed the book because 1: I noticed how much I know regarding the Church and was able to keep up with the book without many “what is he talking about” gestures. And the things that I had no idea were going on were great to hear about because they show promise and even though things might look bad for the Church, according the Pope things are getting a lot better.

I was also to do some work during this silent retreat. I helped the Filipino Community out by making their Santo Nino booklet for the upcoming Feast Day. I was also able to make 21 Crucifixes out of clothespins. I made 5 a day and at the end of the week I snuck them into each of my Subiaco brother’s mailboxes. The Benedictines’ have a saying that work is prayer so I figured I could help by doing these things and offering them up as a prayer.

All in all, this was an amazing experience that helped me grow spiritually. Thank you God (and the seminary) for this wonderful retreat!

Oregon - Home sweet home!

2011-01-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

1/2/2011 - Sorry i couldnt post this sooner, i came back to a 5 day silent retreat (next post)

Just got back to the seminary and what a great two weeks off it was! I was fortunate to spend time with most of my friends, all of my family and my parish community. I took some books and a Latin textbook home and I (once again) did not touch it! Haha. I am learning that life is tougher outside of the seminary because there is less structure. Here, I’m guided through my day, and home there is no structure and it becomes a Free-for-all type of atmosphere. While at home I hung out with people on some sort of schedule because I tried to make time for everyone, and at the same time, I had a lot of on-the-fly moments where things just happened. I can imagine Diocesan life as a Priest being somewhat the same. I did make time for prayer and mass because after all, that is what I am (at least) supposed to be doing.

As good as it was being home, I yearned for seminary life. I needed it! Being home can attract bad habits and it is tough saying no to certain things. Up here, we’re all striving to be holy and the attitude is different. In the "real world” things are different. I am not running from these difficulties because after all, being a Priest, one is a Sheppard everyone. Especially the lost sheep. So in one sense it keeps me up to date with what’s going on in the world, but in the other, I realized how fragile I still am and that I can still be pulled towards sin. But I DID notice it this and that is a step in the right direction for me because I analyzed what’s going on within me. And just for clarification, I didn’t do anything radical or extreme, but now, I am beginning to notice even the littlest sins (subjectively) and magnifying them in a way to what they truly are. Hurtful.

Nevertheless, it was a great two weeks off and I am excited to come back to this 5 day long silent retreat. Pray for me because I don’t think I’ve been this silent since… ? Ever.

1st Semester is over.. 15 more to go

2010-12-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe that it has been 14 days since my last journal. Oops. Well it’s been tough getting back into the swing of things. Thanksgiving took a lot out of me. I just wanted to be done but nevertheless, the show had to go on. Finals are almost over. I think I’ve escaped with 4 “A”s and 3 “B”s. Not bad for my first FULL semester back in school. Most guys have left and the internet is now fasterJ. As I study for my last final of the semester, I take a moment to see what God’s been up to in my life.

I sit here and look at how much I have changed in the last 6 months (counting the summer stint I did in NYC). One thing that I noticed was my passion for the Church is greater. We learn as much in the classroom that we do at the dinner table. I am still my crazy self and I am still learning my own boundaries but I know that it’s okay. The formation team has told me to keep this because there was a moment where I felt like I needed to change. Mature. Act more “professional” if you will. But they said that this is who God made me and that I should embrace it. Obviously certain things need to change, but in general, I need to keep being that Happy-Go-Lucky type of guy.

I’m also learning patience. Many people might say that I am a very patient person but the truth of it is that I usually eat up my emotions. I’m learning how to let out what I have to say appropriately. Sometimes things need to be said because certain things should not be allowed to go unsaid. We at the seminary are responsible for each other’s formation. If we let each other get away with things then it’s doing them a disfavor.

All in all, it’s been a great semester and I am very undeserving of this blessing. Only the good Lord knows why I am here after all that I’ve done in my life. It’s a true testament to his unending mercy.

Home Sweet Home!

2010-12-01T21:26:00.001-08:00

Man o man it felt so good to be home for Thanksgiving! It was so good that I literally forgot it was my birthday. I got home the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and after speaking to my mom for a few hours I did some facebooking and I had some birthday messages. I totally forgot about it. The next morning the same thing happened when I was taking my dad to work, he wished me a happy birthday and that’s when it dawned on me again. Seeing a lot of familiar faces felt good and I can tell that people missed me. Things were different. Everyone’s feelings were overwhelming and so were mine. The time I was home I felt a bit unproductive but it was good. I got to hang out with the nephew and niece and the rest of the family. I was fortunate to see a lot of my good friends and I even went to The Boys & Girls Club that I used to work at a year ago. If I did not get to see you then I’m sorry but the time flew by so fast. I hope I get to see you when I come home for Christmas Break. It was a very busy 4 days and I’m just so blessed to have done all that I did in the little amount of time that I had.

Now that I am back and over my 1-day depression, it’s back to the books. Yes I was a bit depressed when I got back. But the next day when everyone else started coming home it was all good again. Two weeks from today I should be coming home for a couple of weeks. I can’t wait. I want Finals to be here already so I can get a move on. It’s been a great semester so far and I wouldn’t change my decision for anything else in the world.

Being Sick

2010-11-16T18:47:00.001-08:00

11/15/2010

I hate being sick! I’m not the most active guy alive but I like doing stuff. I like going to class. I like praying in community. I like eating with people. I like communicating with others. And I cannot do any of that when I’m sick. Here at Mount Angel, when you’re sick you have to stay inside your room until you get better. Monday is my laundry day and I couldn’t even do that. But even through what seems to be “evil”, God is working within. I have to give a speech on this question: “If God is so powerful and so good, why is there evil in the world? And what’s the deal with grace?” I don’t want to go into how I answer the question but if you want to know, please email me and I’ll email you my speech. But even a common cold/flu can be good. Like for me, I am learning that it’s okay to let others help you. I am stubborn sometimes and I find it hard to ask people for things. I have that “I can do it all on my own” attitude at times. And here I have to rely on my fellow brother seminarians to get me food. Something that I know that I can do on my own. I mean, I am sick.. I’m not dying.. RIGHT!???! Haha well again, learning to rely on my brothers and learning to change my mentality is the goal here. On the other hand, I am behind a few chapters in one of my books. It’s a great book but there’s hardly any time to read. Like today, if I was not sick, I’d be busy from 5:30pm to about 9pm . I love the things we do but its hard wanting “A”s and feeling that there is not enough time to study. But maybe tonight I can even catch up on my reading. Its about balance. And I guess in some crazy, we have to balance our sick time also.

Charismatic Prayer

2010-11-16T18:46:00.002-08:00

11/2/2010

Today was the day that I decided to go to the charismatic prayer group. It was my first experience to something like this. Although I’ve been in the presence of others while they spoke in tongues and I’ve was also blessed to be able to interpret someone they spoke in tongues but this was my first “hardcore” experience in a group setting where practically the whole group was speaking in tongues.

I guess I’ll start off by saying that I have been in a spiritual slump for the past week or so. I haven’t been going to mass and I completely lost my prayer life this past week. Certain sins were eating me up inside and I just did not see myself worthy of even attending mass or praying. It was a nasty slump. I would imagine that 2 weeks of scattered mid-terms did its part and kept me away from prayer also. It felt as my world had fallen apart. I got a “C” on my Latin midterm but thank God I got “A”s on the rest.

Today while at the prayer group, I really just offered myself to God and asked that he help me be open to this new experience and that it help me get out of this slump. We sang songs and prayed a little after each song. We prayed over people and towards the end, the group prayed over me. This is when things really started to hit me. I was getting into the music. The songs were worship songs that spoke to God asking him to be with us and help us. “Here I am to worship”, and some other songs that I can’t think of at the moment. As people were praying over me, I heard one of them speak to me softly in my ear and after hearing what he said and allowing it to sink in, I just started to cry like a baby. It was cleansing and they were tears of joy and repentance all at the same time. God was telling me that everything was going to be okay and that I was on the right path. Those words were EXACTLY what I need to hear. Tomorrow morning I am going straight to Reconciliation to be forgiven for my sins in faith and in hope that everything will be alright. Next week, God willing, I will be back with this prayer group as a “NEW” man. I will no longer be in a state of Mortal Sin. I am not expecting anything in particular but I hope that maybe this new path, this new group is where God wants me to be. I love you all very much and may the peace and love of Christ be with you!

Confessions

2010-11-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

10/23/2010

Being in the Seminary is great and I am truly blessed being here. One thing that I encountered this week is that I am learning to see it in a different light is confidentiality. As a priest, when it comes to confidentiality in a confession room. There is no judgment, there is no speaking publicly of what happened and a priest cannot view someone differently after hearing even the most disturbing confession. After all, it is not the priest that forgives; it is God that forgives through the hands of the priest (if you don’t understand, please let me know. There’s a lot of theology behind this that I cant really get into at the moment). That is a grace from God that one receives. It’s tough stuff!

The Boys Are Back in Town

2010-11-16T18:42:00.001-08:00

10/21/2010

This week we had the honor of hosting 10 Bishops and over 15 Vocational Directors here at Mount Angel. They come from all over the United States and they are the ones who send us here for seminary. The reason they all came was for our Annual Regency Mass. The candidates who will be Ordained to the Deaconate were announced and formalized. My diocesan brother and I picked up Fr. John from the airport Monday night and we had a great talk. He met with us individually and I told him how I was doing and that I want to skip a grade because I am in between college one and college two. I have 21 credits and if I work a hard the next year, I will be able to move ahead a year. He liked my idea. He also mentioned the possibility of going back to New York next summer amongst other ideas. I could also stay home and study at a local college. But I feel that I can get ahead in my philosophy credits in New York and take my History here at Mount Angel.

I also jokingly mentioned the idea of me studying in Rome and to my surprise he said that I would be a great fit as long as my grades would hold up. I was very happy to hear this but at the same time I felt very honored and nervous. Now the pressure is on. If I get a “B” or two this semester I can probably get away with it but from now on, the microscope is on and if I can pull this out I will be able to study my theology in Rome. BUT as always, I will do my part and if it is God’s will then it will happen. If not, then it’s okay. At least I put in my best effort and either way I will be happy to study anywhere my diocese puts me.

Because I am in the Choir, we were fortunate to sing in front of all the Bishops and Clergy. It was a great feeling and even though we messed up a few times, we all sang great! All in all it was a great week and now that everyone is leaving tomorrow, it’s time to buckle down this weekend and get ready for my essay and two midterms next week.

God Working Within and Throughout

2010-11-16T18:41:00.000-08:00

10/15/2010

HELLO EVERYONE! I hope this journal entry finds you all well. I am sorry I’ve been away from these journals for about two weeks now. I really have no explination other then I was somewhat spiritually lost in the time. Not the whole time but some of it. I kept finding myself and losing myself. But I’ve come to terms with it. I guess this is a part of the struggle that we all do though. Or maybe it’s just me. haha. Anyway, I am writing on my meetings with a few priests. As you might know, we have four pillars of formation. Spiritual, Human, Intellectual and Pastoral. I don’t get much Pastoral because that comes along our second year. Spiritual and Human formation is great because we really see what’s at work within us both spiritually and emotionally. I would highly recommend anyone to look for spiritual direction. The meetings have been great for me because they help me refocus on things. I see what I am good at and what I need help with. And it just so happened that today, I met with a priest regarding a message that someone from Orange County sent me. This person was asking about the Gifts of the Holy Spirit and how it might be at play in his life. And it really struck me because there have been moments in my life where I have experienced a gift or two but I have forgotten to pray for this myself. So I gave him the advice that I realized I was giving myself. Which was to pray and seek answers from a priest. To remember that these are gifts and not givens. What I mean by that is that we cannot expect them to happen when we want them to happen. A gift is a gift because it is given at the moment the Holy Spirit chooses to give it. If you do not know what I mean please let me know and I will clarify everything for you. I don’t really want to get into it too much but I trust that all of you know that I’m not crazy and I wouldn’t make anything like this up. J I think I prove that by my view on this. But any ways, I took my own advice and I spoke to a priest this morning. It turns out that we have a charismatic praying group here that meets once a week and I decided to check it out for a few weeks to see what the Holy Spirit is trying to reveal to me (if anything at all). I’ll let you all know how this goes after the prayer group meets. Until then I hope all continues to go well for you and know that I am praying for you all on a daily basis!

Crossroads

2010-11-16T18:40:00.000-08:00

10/2/2010

First and foremost, thanks for those who responded to my last email with your suggestions. I’ll be honest, I really stink at responding to your guys’ emails but I do read them. A lot of the time, I am caught up reflecting on what you’re saying and then I forget to respond. But if you’ve emailed me, I will be responding to you this weekend. I am making a concentrated effort to return the love this weekend.

So I am coming to a crossroad. I am noticing that the academic work here is not that hard. The material is pretty simple (except for Latin) and straight forward. I’ve talked to a lot of guys and it’s a mixed field. Some find the academics to be tough and some feel the same way I do. The really hard part is balancing everything together. As you have probably seen with my schedule, we’re pretty busy up here and there’s really not too much time to mess around. You can get behind really quick on homework. I feel that its busy work but never the less, it has to be done. So, the crossroad that I am at is this: I really want to bust my butt and prove to everyone that I can hang academically. I want to get straight “A”s so that I can do my Theology in Rome. Rome and Belgium are two places we send Seminarians to study when they need an extra challenge academically. But on the flip side, its pretty much concentrated on academics and you have to pray on your own and you don’t have a lot of other things to do but academic work. It’s a challenge but I think I want to give it my best shot. We shall see. I’m just gonna take it one semester at a time. Again, if God opens the door for me to get to Rome or Belgium then I’ll take it. If not then at least I put myself in the best position possible knowing that everything will be okay in the end. J

Beach Weekend Retreat

2010-11-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

9/26/2010

This weekend, the whole college went to the beach for a weekend of bonding. We had a few organized events but overall we had a lot of free-time to hang out and bond through unorganized, spontaneous activities. The most impressive part of the weekend was Friday night. At 6:30, we prayed evening prayer and then began our Adoration with a precession from our main dining hall, to the beach where the there was an altar with candles waiting. Adoration was very unique because it was on the beach. I don’t think I have ever attended anything like this. We were out there for about an hour (or a little less) and we got to see the sun set as we were praying. For a few moments, the sun was semi-eclipsed by the monstrance. We all asked for permission to take pictures because we did not want to be rude but at the same time, we really wanted to catch this once in a lifetime moment. For those of you, who are on my facebook as friends, please feel free to check out the pictures. They’re under “Mobile Uploads”. If you’re not under my facebook friends, please feel free to email me and I will send you the pictures so that you know what I’m talking about. Last night, we had a huge bon fire (see pictures) and during that time, one of my Diocesan Brothers from Orange told me that he was feeling spiritually dry. He said he still wants to be a priest but that he feels that they “honeymoon” is over. I can only relate so much because well I’m not there yet, but I know how that feels to be mentally dead with work or ex-girlfriends. So the question to you all is, how do you keep it going spiritually, emotionally in relationships? Does anyone have any advice I can give my friend? I told him to listen to his favorite Christian singer Matt Mahr in hopes that it gets him back. I was also thinking he could challenge himself with a new prayer or find a fun topic to research. Also, I know most of you have been in or are in relationships. How do you keep those going after the “honeymoon”? please let me know. :)

Reading Iconographic "art"

2010-11-16T18:38:00.000-08:00

9/18/2010

About 8 months ago, I went to a “come and see” retreat at Saint Johns’ Seminary in Camarillo, CA and I believe it was the President-Rector that said, “Here at the seminary, we break away the child-like faith by testing you, pushing you and asking you to learn the Truth”. And In the summer, I learned that St. Thomas (I think) said one must first believe to understand. In other words, we must search for answers by first having faith. This last week, we wrote an essay on an icon, which the eastern churches and religions use as pictures that are “written” and that translate art into sacred scripture. If you have time to research “Iconography” I would highly suggest you to at least learn more about it and its history. It is quite interesting. Anyway, I wrote an essay on an icon depicting The Annunciation and it allowed me to break away a little more of my “child-like” faith. As Catholics, we learn about Immaculate Conception of Mary and this essay allowed me to look deeper into the passages and I actually came to the conclusion that Mary was graced with the Holy Spirit since birth. It is said that she was sinless throughout her whole life and if that was the case then that would have to imply that she was born without original sin and that grace can only come from God. It would make sense that Jesus, who was sinless, would be born into this world from someone who was herself, sinless. I guess I always believed this to be true because I was taught that this was just how it was. But now, looking into the text through this icon allowed me to understand that Mary did not just have the Holy Spirit with her at the moment of Christ’s conception but throughout her whole life. Search with the light of faith and you will find truth. This, among many other things, has been really fun learning and even though the work is some-what tough, I really appreciate everything that I am learning. Next year, World Youth Day will be in Spain. I really want to go but it costs like 2-3 thousand dollars. I think I can get there if I sell all of my Screen Printing supplies which is worth 2,000. I have had no luck selling it but, if God wants me to make it, It will somehow happen. World Youth Day is more like a week or two where Catholic groups from around the world get together in one stadium and all kinds of events happen. The Pope is present and I can imagine that the spiritual level is intense. Another reason that I would like to go is to visit Lourdes, France where the Virgin Mary appeared in 1858. But as I said, I would love to go but only in God’s time. I will not force it nor will I let opportunities pass me by. If God wants me to go, he’ll somehow provide. If not, then maybe next time.

Bye Bye Seminary

2010-11-16T18:36:00.001-08:00

9/11/2010

Yesterday was a sad day because one of the guys decided to leave the Seminary after only three weeks. It struck me as odd that he was on the phone pretty late all week (he was in the room right next to me) and that he did not make it to his classes on Friday. When the President-Rector was up in the front of the room before Evening Prayer I knew something was up. As he said those words that everyone dreads hearing, I could only think of one thing… CAN I KNOCK DOWN THE WALL AND EXTEND MY ROOM???? Haha no but it really did affect me because we are pretty close down here in our dorms and well its just sad. Once Evening Prayer ended, I rushed down to speak to him and after the first five minutes of talking with the young man I realized that he was making the right decisions and for the right reasons. He gave a perfect analogy: “you know when you’re young and you grow up always wanting that fancy car.. and when you finally get it, you realize that it’s just not for you..” that’s how he felt and he could only have come to that realization after trying it out. I guess, that can be anyone’s take on Gods calling. Sometimes we just have to try it in order to figure out if it’s for us. This young man was not afraid to admit to himself that this was not for him. He was not selfish and he was very subjective in his decision. As we all should be when it comes to figuring out what God’s calling us to do. He changed my life in the short time I’ve known him and I’ll continue to pray for him and I know I’ll see him again.

On a side note, I love my Latin class. I think its my favorite class along with Epistomology and Writing. Its not easy but its fun. It brings back a lot of lessons I learned while taking French in High School. I guess I’m learning that I have a hidden love for new languages. Who know’s, I might be a linguist in the making. Only time will tell.

Faith Like a Child

2010-11-16T18:32:00.003-08:00

9/5/2010

Today I’m not going to talk about the end of the week nor the weekend but rather I am going to write about a movie I just watched that touched my heart. It led me onto an emotional rollercoaster that was full of emotional twists and turns. The movie was called “Letters to God”. I watched it on Netflix.com and it was about a young boy with cancer in the brain and was slowly dying. He would write letters and send them to God through the post office. Her mother lost it a few times saying that she “didn’t want to hear bible quotes anymore. She just wanted to hear that her son would get better”. Its so tough for all of us when we go through our own personal problems and who is to judge some easier than others when we all feel like crap. We can often question and doubt God and sometimes completely give up on Him. Is it harder for a single mother to unexpectedly lose her job than it is for a father who has a drug problem and is slowly losing his children? Is life tougher on the children or on parents? Then there are the friends and relatives that are affected by others’ hardships. Where is God? Why isn’t he hearing me? What good is going to come out of this? I cannot pretend to have answers to any of these tough questions all I can do is pray. In the movie, the little boy changed the lives of everyone around him. God kept him alive just long enough to thaw out the cold hearts heal them with the love and strength of this little boy. I guess, what this movie reminds me of is that God’s plan for all of us is the best road possible. Something’s we can control, and most we cannot. When it comes to those things that we cannot control, we have to put it into the hands of the one person who can and TRUST in His divine wisdom. In the end, what do we have to lose? And what do we have to gain? I leave you with the ending quote from this little boy presumably in heaven: “Dear God, I think we did it. You told me not to be afraid, and I wasn’t. I just want everybody to believe. Love, Tyler”. (Faith like a child).

Balanced life

2010-11-16T17:50:00.000-08:00

9/3/2010

After working my schedule a bit more, I was able to get out of Principles of Science. Principles of Science is a prerequisite of Human Biology. so because I already have Human Biology and Human Anatomy and Physiology I did not need to take it. I need 6 units of science for my first year of college and I already have 8 so two of those units actually went towards my elective units. I also dropped Spanish 1 because I was advised not to take it since I am a Spanish speaking student. There was no other Spanish class that would have worked out for me so I decided to take Elementary Latin. Pray for me. it turns out that I came into my first year here with 21 units so I am actually close to a year ahead of schedule. I am working extra hard this year by taking some college 2 and 3 courses in hopes that I might be able to finish one year early. I am really learning over and over that there needs to be a balance for work, or in my case studies, and prayer. The Four Pillars of Formation that we are being molded into are Spiritual, Intellectual, Human and Pastoral. In other words, we have to be well balanced spiritually, intellectually, pastorally and personally. Every pillar is separate yet they are all just as important and complementary to one another. It is very easy to neglect prayer time because there is so much other stuff going on that personal prayer time can sort of fall through the cracks. In my case, I told myself that I was going to pray the Rosary at least on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays but I have only prayed it on Monday, which was not one of the days that I planned to pray it. I am hit and miss with my Angelus prayer. I really only pray it when I remember which is probably 2 or 3 out of the 4 times that is supposed to be prayed daily. I am keeping up with my homework and studies and I can say that my exercise is going well and communal life is going well also. Pastorally, I do try to help everyone as much as I can. So it is safe to say that the main thing that I need work on is my spiritual routine. I do attend every required spiritual event such as mass, morning and evening prayer, so I need to work on my alone time with Jesus. I feel that I will be okay because I have realized where I am struggling and I can now fix the problem. I hope every single one of you has a great weekend and don’t ever forget that I love you all. Its our mission and duty in life to love so let’s do it whole heartedly and without reserve.

Menudo and Classes

2010-11-16T17:44:00.000-08:00

8/30/2010

I hope everyone is well and I just wanted to say thank you all so much for taking the time out of your busy days to read the stuff I have to say. I can imagine how boring I can be so please bare with me. For starters, I talked about the Menudo we were going to have Saturday morning. So after mass we walk down the half mile hill and then walk another ¾ of a mile towards the restaurant and upon arrival, we notice that it’s closed. The sign says “open from 9am-9pm Sun-Sat.” it was now 9:30am and no one was home. They must have been on Mexican time. So we’re pretty sad because we were all looking forward to some nice Menudo for breakfast and we were unsatisfied. Luckily, where there’s a Mexican, there’s a way and so a few blocks away was the formation house for the Missionaries of the Holy Spirit. We called them up and they made us some really good, and really missed Mexican breakfast. I can still taste it… literally because I took some home and put it in my fridge. Haha :) I’m just kidding, but it was really good. SO classes start on Tuesday and looking at my schedule for the weeks to come, its pretty interesting where I will plug in all the sports, prayer time and studies time. Our day starts at 6:45am with breakfast, then Morning Prayer and Mass at 7:30. Lunch is at 11:50am, Evening Prayer at 5:30pm and then Dinner at 5:50pm. Between then, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I have 4 classes ( Spanish 1, Writing in Humanities 1, Survey of the Catholic Faith 1, and Choir). Spanish 1 might change to 2 but I have to speak to my Academic Advisor first just to make sure I’m doing the right thing. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my light days with 3 classes (speech, Academic Skills and Science). I’ve learned that I need to work around my prayer time so I have decided to pray the Angelus prayer when I wake up, before lunch, after Evening Prayer and before bed. I’m going to start praying the Rosary at least 3 times a week, Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. I’m going to pray Lectio Divina on Saturdays. And the Divine Mercy Chaplet will be prayed daily. On Monday nights we also have Adoration and all that stuff right after dinner. I will also dedicate at least one hour every other day to some sort of cardio work out. It’s going to be easy (I hope) because everyone is doing some sort of workout all the time and I’ll just jump in with them. We have at least 80 guys that exercise so they’re going to be my support group. Once again, I hope everyone is well. I miss you all and I cant wait to come home in November to see everyone.