Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Couldn’t keep from writing. What can I say, it’s the way I express myself. So one of the beautiful aspects of living and studying at the seminary is learning something and then seeing how it applies to real life. Although I originally learned these proofs of God’s existence this past summer, I can’t help but to reflect on this beautiful sunset that I sat and watched the other day. The idea of how someone can say that there is no God when they look at something so beautiful is beyond me. God created this world for us to live freely and to freely choose to love God every day of our lives.
As I sat there I was able to reflect on the beauty of the world and how blessed I am. My family is amazing. My friends are all very special to me. Although we all have our problems, I love every one of them for who they are because it’s then that you know you truly love someone; By taking them with all their junk and them taking me for all of mine. And in turn, by loving others, I am showing God that I love Him. I’ve done my share of stuuuupid things and I know I am blessed to have a God (and people in my life) who forgives me.
The sunset was just amazing and I’ve wanted to watch one for a while but just haven’t had the time/opportunity until the other day. haha Call me weird, sensitive, girly, or any other name.. I don’t care, as long as ya still love me for who I am. But if ya don’t, it’s cool. I still love ya :)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sorry I’m just on a roll tonight. I’ll try not to write next week
I always hated that saying but I guess I appreciate it a little more. I always thought “don’t let it go, LET IT SHOW!” I often feel that we don’t let our love show enough and because of that, it can die out. Recently, I’ve learned to “let it go” in a couple of different ways… but in regards to my discernment, I noticed that I came into the seminary with the I’M GONNA BE A PRIEST type of attitude. I was on fire. I felt that this was it for me. No letting go, or turning back. I was, in a sense, holding on so tight that I was suffocating my vocation and not letting it breathe. Ignorance maybe? I don’t know but as soon as I started to let it go, I started to notice a change. I don’t mean I didn’t care, I mean I started to let it take its own course and allow it to grow instead of forcing it. So the saying “if you love something, let it go” works in this sense that I had to let it go to allow it to grow on its own.
Now in relationships, (friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, family ect.) I still feel we should always let it show first! I mean don’t smother the person but… here’s an example in my life. My friend Jorge wrote me the most amazing comment in regards to my discernment and well I know I’m a good guy but as they say, we are our own worst critic and sometimes, especially this week, I’ve felt a bit down and out. But his words really touched me and in a sense gave me the strength to keep my head up. So because we don’t know what kind of mood each of us are in, I feel that showing that love to one another is key because we just might get them out of a slump or make them feel even better about who they are! As Bruno Mars says “you’re amazing just the way you are”. Sometimes we just need to hear it from others. I personally would hate to lose someone because I let my own pride, selfishness, or unhappiness get in the way and in turn not say how I truly feel about a person. I can go on and on and on but I’ll end it with this: If you’re reading.. Which I hope YOU are. “You’re amazing… just the way you are” much love to you all. See you soon (41 days!)
Friday, March 25, 2011
I know I just wrote a journal a few days ago but I feel like I’m behind one since I didn’t write one during my spring break. Even though I spoke with my vocation director and my fellow OC brothers and I feel confident in where God is telling me to go, that doesn’t mean it’s easy either. Haha I doubt myself and my judgments but I keep saying to myself, ‘if God is gonna change my mind, he’s going to do it sooner or later’ or if I’m on the right path, He’ll keep laying it out for me. He always has a way of doing that I guess.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been sick since Wednesday morning or other things going on, but I feel like everything was going great and now it’s like BAM! Not anymore!! Haha. Like I lost something and can’t do anything about it. But the reason for me writing this is not to release stress but rather to just remind everyone that even through the tough times, one might want to ask themselves ‘what’s God up to with me right now?’ I was flipping out for the past 2 days but then I remembered that God has to be working in me right now and so instead of getting mad or upset because I can’t control the situation, I should just try and figure out what the lesson is he’s trying to teach me. I haven’t figured that part out completely but I do feel a lot more at peace after I started looking at things differently. Am I still sad? Yeah, but I know God is working in my life and I’m going to learn something out of this, so it’ll be worth it when I get out. Much love to you all and have a great weekend!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Spring break was a great time away from the Seminary. It was a perfect time to stay close to God by attending daily mass at my home parish and also spending time with as many people as possible. I got to see most of my friends (Chris, I love you brother, I’ll see you soon enough) and I spent some good time with the family. Even though things didn’t go as planned with them, I still feel that God was at work through the tough times. I did spend a lot of time with my friends but it’s really hard balancing time for everyone. In that sense, I am blessed to have so many friends but it is hard to see everyone in one week. my priorities might have gotten mixed up a little bit but i know it was all for a reason. I thought the seminary was a busy life style until I went home for a week. haha.
So I think after this spring break week, I realized a lot more regarding my vocation to the priesthood. I feel that many people don’t understand the fact that in the seminary we are expected to go through tough times and we are also here to figure out God’s will. Being in the seminary does not mean that we’re already priests, nor does it mean that we already have everything figured out. Don’t get me wrong, some people do have it figured out but most don’t and there’s nothing wrong with that.
That being said, I spoke to my fellow Orange brothers and they gave me some good advice. They told me that it might be better to take a 1-2 year leave of absence and in that time finish my Bachelors degree and then see and what’s the best fit for my life. If at the end of the leave of absence, I feel that I am still being called to the priesthood then I can come back. If not, then I can at least move on with my degree in hand into a teaching profession.
Those feelings that I feel regarding married life are still there and after constantly thinking and praying about it, I feel that this leave of absence will be good for me to really see where God wants me. I am really sure that God is calling me into this new direction because of the way God has been working in my life since I arrived to the seminary. Each path has its ups and downs and I know I experienced those highs and lows this past week but I know it’ll all be worth it in the end because I feel that I am doing my part in prayer, listening to God, keeping up with my studies and living the community life. I think that's another key in this.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I sit here in my room multi-tasking and doing nothing all at the same time. As I am finishing up my essay for my Reading Literature class, I am also listening to The Fish online, writing this journal and reading some random stuff. I cant help but to think of this Lenten season that started today. I am grateful that I am here in the seminary and I hope that this experience changes my life even more. This year I am giving up soda and I am boosting up my daily prayer time. I guess the last couple of days I’ve felt as if I didn’t want to do anything anymore and it’s taken me a lot longer to finish this essay than usual. Normally I can knock out a 3-page essay in a few hours but this essay has taken me 3 days so far and I’ve basically done a paragraph or two a day. I wonder if it has anything to do with me going home for spring break? In one sense I can see spring break effecting my mood because I just want to get home already and on the other hand I know I’ve always been a lazy person, and that’s why I always procrastinate. This year I want to make a conscious effort to pray to God so that he may help me get over this hump for good. I seem to really only be able to do one or two things at a time but I know I can do more if I just applied myself a bit more. I think one issue is transitioning from one task to another. That can be pretty tough for me. Most of the time, I do a little bit of each task and either they all get done slowly or none of them do. haha any suggestions are more than welcomed.
I probably won’t write another journal until after spring break in order to give myself time to think about everything going on in my life and to better reflect on God’s path for me. Thank you all for reading. Much love!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I had the meeting with my spiritual director and I cannot say enough good things about this wonderful priest. I feel as if he affirmed the new direction God is showing me. He said a lot but one thing that stuck with me was he told me to explore (mentally, NOT physically) this route because it will lead to good things. He said that it definitely sounded like God is up to something and he commended me for being so open and honest about it. I remember my vocation director saying that to me and I guess it stuck. He said as long as I am honest with myself and others, everything will work itself out and here, things are working themselves out.
Certain people and certain situations that are going on back home, along with what I feel is happening to me up here, all have to do with this and my spiritual director feels that I should pay attention to everything and see the signs that God is putting in my path. I am seeing and feeling things and God is showing me these things through other people and he says that in the end, it’s what those feelings represent that matters. He also asked me to pay attention to the things that might bother me about the seminary and to write those things down. To be honest, I’m a very easy going guy and nothing really ever bothers me so that is going to be pretty hard. There are certain things that bother me but I don’t think they’re enough to make me want to run away from the seminary. In a sense this is another reason why I feel that I am not running away and that this might be a legitimate calling.
I just heard news that my grandfather is close to passing and I can only imagine the pain my dad must be going through at this moment. My grandfather is 95 (plus or minus a few years) and has been an amazing influence on my life and I more so on my dads’. I pray that make my dad, along with his sisters (my aunts), make it to his side before he passes on. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than seeing your family before falling into eternal rest. Tonight has made me appreciate my family and life much more. I feel empty tonight. There's a reason for that but... wont go there. haha. Someone, ANYONE, call me cuz i'm going nuts! haha just kidding. But this, along with the other things going on in my life have been exhausting on me today. I know things will get better.
I hope all is well with you and if you haven’t said it in a while, tell your parents that you love them because “don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”. And even if they're already resting in God's glory, say it anyway because I'm sure they're listening!