Holy Week

            So Lent is over and Jesus has risen from the dead. As He has risen, there’s a certain joy in the air. We as Christians are blessed to re-live these days every year because it reminds us what was given to us. The sacrifice that Jesus made for all of us in order to show us true love. 

I was able to spend Holy Week at home working at a local parish near where I live. The trip taught me a lot in so many different ways. I learned a lot about Liturgy and the importance of catering it to the community (when possible). I wanted to speak to my Pastor regarding my discernment process but I never got the chance because we were all super busy. The day that I had off, well, he did too.

 Now that I’m back in Oregon, I have 2 more weeks left. I think next Tuesday is our last day of classes, Wednesday and Thursday and finals, Friday is moving day (for everyone who is moving rooms) and Saturday is graduation. After Graduation we’re officially on summer break until August. I know I told everyone that I would post my decision whether or not I would be leaving the Seminary after Easter but I am waiting until my next journal.

This year has been one of my best years. There have been many ups and downs but I know that I’ve grown as a person. I’ve grown intellectually, I’ve grown spiritually and I’ve grown into deeper love for God. Granted, I still have my faults; I still can be immature and over react, but I know that I am a way better person now than I’ve ever been. And I will continue to grow no matter what road I take because I feel that I have learned how to ask myself questions and how to reflect on things in a way that will help me get out of those sticky situations that life can throw at us. Above all, I know God loves me and that He is always with me, especially when I’m down. There’s nothing we could ever do, that will make Him love us less.

God bless and I miss you all.

Asta Pasta

Haha i use to say Asta Pasta instead of "goodbye" or "later"..

I love having a chat with my Spiritual Director because he helps me say what I really mean. I’m pretty good at expressing myself but he just makes it so much clearer. I told him that I will be disconnecting from the outside world for the next two weeks and he really liked the idea and the reasons behind them. He felt it very appropriate and was kind of impressed I guess. He also told me that regardless of the reasons why I leave, God will always love me and bless my decisions (being that they’re good ones). That gave me some peace of mind knowing that I’ll always be loved. He also gave me some spiritual exercises and taught me how to ask the Holy Spirit to bless my future plans. I really am at peace with leaving the seminary and I feel that I’ve thought about it a lot and have come to my decision with my heart and mind. Now its time to ask for God’s blessing.

I’m also going to try to let go of all the feelings I have in my heart regarding leaving the seminary for these two weeks. I am going to focus on doing what I have to do. I was just assigned to be the lead coordinator of a College 1 outing and also a video project for the retiring faculty/staff members. So I’ll be pretty busy doing that along with everything else going on up here. I’m asking God to bless my new direction that I want to take but I’m also asking Him to redirect me if He wants me to stay.

The beauty of this is at the end of Easter, I am going to decide whether I stay or go. Once I make that firm decision, I will be at peace with myself and I will have one less thing to worry about. If I stay then I will be confident that God wants me here and I will be amazed by what I had to give up. Few people know about that. And if I choose to leave, it will give me enough time to say my goodbyes and prepare myself for the next chapter in my life. I’m not going to post anything for the next few weeks so till next time, YOU are loved and even though I haven’t talked to you in a while, you’re amazing just the way you are!

Making it Count

            Two week ago, I was already counting the days until I returned home. One of my brothers here on the hill named Art reminded me not to count the days, but make them count. I was so stuck on going home along with other feelings of emptiness that I began to get lazy in the classroom; my prayer life was suffering, sadly, I was sick and I didn’t go to prayer, Mass, or class; everything was just going down the drain for a good week or so.

            There’s a Greek word Metanoia and when I first learned the meaning, it captivated me. From my understanding, it means to see with new eyes or to change ones mind. I don’t know Greek but as far as I know that’s pretty accurate. The idea is to look at things differently in order to understand. Maybe I really needed this time to see everything with new eyes. After all, if this is God’s will, then I will somehow find the way.

            As far as I know and according to how I feel, I still am looking towards taking that 2 year Leave of Absence and finishing up my BA outside the seminary. But as Jesus was in the desert for 40 days, I feel that I am going through my desert and how else can I get out of it then by trusting in the Lord and committing myself to him entirely asking him to guide me. On that note, starting April 10^th, I will be disconnecting from the outside world until Easter Sunday (April 24^th) in order to really focus on prayer, Mass, class and community life here on the hilltop. I have faith in Jesus and if nothing changes, then I will know my place is within the married life, hopefully as a Religious Ed/Philosophy teacher. By allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, I might also see things with new eyes and if I do, I hope I have the strength to fallow His light. Thank you all and God bless! Much love always!

The Sunset

            Couldn’t keep from writing. What can I say, it’s the way I express myself. So one of the beautiful aspects of living and studying at the seminary is learning something and then seeing how it applies to real life. Although I originally learned these proofs of God’s existence this past summer, I can’t help but to reflect on this beautiful sunset that I sat and watched the other day. The idea of how someone can say that there is no God when they look at something so beautiful is beyond me. God created this world for us to live freely and to freely choose to love God every day of our lives.

            As I sat there I was able to reflect on the beauty of the world and how blessed I am. My family is amazing. My friends are all very special to me. Although we all have our problems, I love every one of them for who they are because it’s then that you know you truly love someone; By taking them with all their junk and them taking me for all of mine. And in turn, by loving others, I am showing God that I love Him. I’ve done my share of stuuuupid things and I know I am blessed to have a God (and people in my life) who forgives me.

            The sunset was just amazing and I’ve wanted to watch one for a while but just haven’t had the time/opportunity until the other day. haha Call me weird, sensitive, girly, or any other name.. I don’t care, as long as ya still love me for who I am. But if ya don’t, it’s cool. I still love ya :)

If you love something, let it go

            Sorry I’m just on a roll tonight. I’ll try not to write next week 

            I always hated that saying but I guess I appreciate it a little more. I always thought “don’t let it go, LET IT SHOW!” I often feel that we don’t let our love show enough and because of that, it can die out. Recently, I’ve learned to “let it go” in a couple of different ways… but in regards to my discernment, I noticed that I came into the seminary with the I’M GONNA BE A PRIEST type of attitude. I was on fire. I felt that this was it for me. No letting go, or turning back. I was, in a sense, holding on so tight that I was suffocating my vocation and not letting it breathe. Ignorance maybe? I don’t know but as soon as I started to let it go, I started to notice a change. I don’t mean I didn’t care, I mean I started to let it take its own course and allow it to grow instead of forcing it. So the saying “if you love something, let it go” works in this sense that I had to let it go to allow it to grow on its own.

            Now in relationships, (friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, family ect.) I still feel we should always let it show first! I mean don’t smother the person but… here’s an example in my life. My friend Jorge wrote me the most amazing comment in regards to my discernment and well I know I’m a good guy but as they say, we are our own worst critic and sometimes, especially this week, I’ve felt a bit down and out. But his words really touched me and in a sense gave me the strength to keep my head up. So because we don’t know what kind of mood each of us are in, I feel that showing that love to one another is key because we just might get them out of a slump or make them feel even better about who they are! As Bruno Mars says “you’re amazing just the way you are”. Sometimes we just need to hear it from others. I personally would hate to lose someone because I let my own pride, selfishness, or unhappiness get in the way and in turn not say how I truly feel about a person. I can go on and on and on but I’ll end it with this: If you’re reading.. Which I hope YOU are. “You’re amazing… just the way you are” much love to you all. See you soon (41 days!)

what's He up to?

             I know I just wrote a journal a few days ago but I feel like I’m behind one since I didn’t write one during my spring break. Even though I spoke with my vocation director and my fellow OC brothers and I feel confident in where God is telling me to go, that doesn’t mean it’s easy either. Haha I doubt myself and my judgments but I keep saying to myself, ‘if God is gonna change my mind, he’s going to do it sooner or later’ or if I’m on the right path, He’ll keep laying it out for me. He always has a way of doing that I guess.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been sick since Wednesday morning or other things going on, but I feel like everything was going great and now it’s like BAM! Not anymore!! Haha. Like I lost something and can’t do anything about it. But the reason for me writing this is not to release stress but rather to just remind everyone that even through the tough times, one might want to ask themselves ‘what’s God up to with me right now?’ I was flipping out for the past 2 days but then I remembered that God has to be working in me right now and so instead of getting mad or upset because I can’t control the situation, I should just try and figure out what the lesson is he’s trying to teach me. I haven’t figured that part out completely but I do feel a lot more at peace after I started looking at things differently. Am I still sad? Yeah, but I know God is working in my life and I’m going to learn something out of this, so it’ll be worth it when I get out. Much love to you all and have a great weekend!

Spring Break '11

Spring break was a great time away from the Seminary. It was a perfect time to stay close to God by attending daily mass at my home parish and also spending time with as many people as possible. I got to see most of my friends (Chris, I love you brother, I’ll see you soon enough) and I spent some good time with the family. Even though things didn’t go as planned with them, I still feel that God was at work through the tough times. I did spend a lot of time with my friends but it’s really hard balancing time for everyone. In that sense, I am blessed to have so many friends but it is hard to see everyone in one week. my priorities might have gotten mixed up a little bit but i know it was all for a reason. I thought the seminary was a busy life style until I went home for a week. haha.

            So I think after this spring break week, I realized a lot more regarding my vocation to the priesthood. I feel that many people don’t understand the fact that in the seminary we are expected to go through tough times and we are also here to figure out God’s will. Being in the seminary does not mean that we’re already priests, nor does it mean that we already have everything figured out. Don’t get me wrong, some people do have it figured out but most don’t and there’s nothing wrong with that.

            That being said, I spoke to my fellow Orange brothers and they gave me some good advice. They told me that it might be better to take a 1-2 year leave of absence and in that time finish my Bachelors degree and then see and what’s the best fit for my life. If at the end of the leave of absence, I feel that I am still being called to the priesthood then I can come back. If not, then I can at least move on with my degree in hand into a teaching profession.

            Those feelings that I feel regarding married life are still there and after constantly thinking and praying about it, I feel that this leave of absence will be good for me to really see where God wants me. I am really sure that God is calling me into this new direction because of the way God has been working in my life since I arrived to the seminary. Each path has its ups and downs and I know I experienced those highs and lows this past week but I know it’ll all be worth it in the end because I feel that I am doing my part in prayer, listening to God, keeping up with my studies and living the community life. I think that's another key in this.