Aftermath

First and foremost, I just wanted to tell everyone once again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for those who responded to my last journal. You have no idea how much that meant to me. It feels good to know you are loved and well, I felt really loved! I ask that you please say a prayer for me during these times. The meeting with my spiritual director was canceled (rescheduled to the following Thursday) because of the bad weather so I have not had the chance to talk to him about all of these things going on but I have noticed some things. I’ve spoken to some people who have felt like leaving and I noticed some key differences. Some guys feel lost or scared and some feel like they’ve lost their vocation where as I feel that I am seeing a different direction unfolding. I’m not scared at all, I still love going to mass, when I pray, and it’s with joy and true devotion. I guess only time will tell. This all might be a test and it might strengthen my vocation to the priesthood or it can truly be an open door that I think I am seeing.

Either way the Lord will provide and as I’ve learned in my Introduction to the Bible class, the Lord keeps reaffirming us and redirecting us when we get lost. Its our job to keep a watchful eye to notice the lifesavers being thrown at us. And well one thing that I like about myself is that I (regardless) will always say “yes” to my Lord because I just don’t see how I can say no. even if here were to want me to be a homeless man in the streets, I would still follow him. In the words of Bruno Mars: “I would take a grenade for ya/Throw my hand on a blade for ya/I’d jump in front of a train for ya/You know I'd do anything for ya” well, I like the song. It’s a bit twisted but the idea of doing anything for someone is kind of how I feel about God. Because he not only died for us, created us, loves us, ect, how can I NOT give him my life.

The Struggle Within

                First of all I would like to wish you all a Happy belated Valentine’s day! I hope you had a great time with your loved ones. Although I start this journal/blog on a happy note, is a reminder to me that I always have to be grateful for what I have in life and appreciate how God is working within me. The last week was tough and I went through so many different emotions and even contemplated on leaving the seminary. Not so much because I cannot handle the seminary but rather because I felt that God is calling me another direction. And in one sense I still do feel this way.

                My whole life, I never applied myself to education. Since elementary school, I’ve never had the self discipline to do anything out of routine. The only thing that I cared for was going to football practice. Jr. high went by and I got into trouble and still was passed on through the education system. High school, I did enough to be able to play sports. I passed because I was smart enough to pass and I don’t think I ever read a book in its entirety until after high school.

                Having said that, I have found a love for learning here at the seminary and I like most of my classes. Although I can still skate by without really applying myself, I am actually learning the discipline that I never really had and since I like the material, it makes me want to pick the books up and learn. I am even reading an extra book on the side. This whole idea as been fermenting in my for the past month and I finally figured out what it was that was troubling me within. I think I might have a desire/calling to be a teacher somewhere in a Catholic school system. Now that I am finding a love for education and knowing that I’ve always loved to teach people, this might be a new direction that I would have never found if it wasn’t for the seminary. The desire to get married is still something within me and so is the love of the priesthood. Quite a struggle.

                I almost drove myself crazy last week but one thing that calmed me down was this: I know that I have given my life to the Lord and that He will do whatever He wills with me. If He wants me to be a priest, then so be it. Or if He wants me to be a teacher of some sort, then so be it! I did not get here in a week and I will not leave that fast either. This will take a lot of time to discern and what better place to discern this than the seminary.

Kickin it with the Homeless

                Being a college 1 seminarian, we do not have a specific Pastoral obligation other than informally being there for our fellow brothers on the hilltop. This last Friday, we took part in an immersion program set up for us in Portland. No one told us anything about what we were going to experience because it’s worth the mystery and anticipation. I won’t get into everything we did but I will tell you that our time in Portland was to be with our homeless brothers and sisters and to learn about mental illness and its place in today’s society. At first, I felt very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I have had past experiences with the homeless but I did not know how to approach them or what to say; I didn’t know how to help them. I could only sit there and feel helpless. Then after we distributed clothing to them, we sat around and talked with everyone who stayed for a warm meal. This is when I first started to figure it out, it’s not about helping them, but rather, it’s simply about listening to them and being compassionate.

                Moving up in “the real world” has broken away some of my compassion that I once had. Because of my own personal drive to move up and to be successful, I lost sight of the little things that mean so much. Don’t get me wrong, I know (hubris-ly) that I am a pretty nice guy, however I did notice that in a way, I started to become desensitized by our culture and I started to see personal gain as commonplace.

                This reflection prepared me and gave me the right state of mind that allowed me to refocus on what was important in order to go through with the last part of the night. I was assigned to stand outside and greet everyone as they came in to take part of the soup kitchen event. After all the food was served, I was asked to just chat with everyone/anyone. I learned to see them as a community of people who are just like me, but just caught a few snags along their path in life. It must be even tougher for them to get back on their feet because the way our society treats them. Not being able to use a public restroom as a quick example. Most homeless people have some sort of mental illness that they did not choose and cannot just turn off. And yet they were so happy and thankful for everything that was given to them and I at times complain about the food we get here on the hilltop… It was a real life-changing moment for me. Thanks be to God for allowing me to go through this.  

A taste of California

                There have been so many blessings that have come my way in the last few weeks. I am ever grateful for each one. I will begin this journal session talking about last weekend’s trip to San Francisco for the Walk For Life. The fellowship amongst the 45 of us on the bus ride to and from was great. We watched some great movies, prayed together and also got to know each other a lot more. I mean 22 hours on a bus will bring anyone together! Once we got Saint Patrick’s Seminary, where they were gracious enough to open their doors for us, we hung out as a big family of about 80 seminarians strong. The walk itself was on Saturday and there were over 50,000 people. There was such an amazing presence of faith amongst the thousands! I would say that the primary religion was Catholic but there were other denominations of Christianity, and maybe even non religious. There were many moments where I felt like crying because of the immense display of faith and also when I saw things that hurt. How can pro choice be so hurtful? The ones protesting against us were very hurt and I can only hope to understand their pain and feelings. Most were wronged by someone and I know its hard to move on and let go of the past. It made my faith stronger and I realized that God was truly present in that moment with all of us, whether we liked it or not.

                The other blessing was the visit from my Vocation Director. He is such an amazing priest and his presence among us made us feel like we were in California again. He was here for official business but in my eyes, he was just visiting. He was here to conduct formal evaluations on the guys from the Diocese of Orange who are third-year College and above and since I’m not there yet, I didn’t have any of that additional pressure! Even though I did not have a formal meeting with him, we did sit down and discuss how things were going for me and also my future here at this Seminary and where I might end up for Theology. I can only say that I am very happy with whatever the outcome may be and I will continue to strive for academic success. Academics are very important but it’s not all that we do. so that being said, I know have to try my best in all 4 pillars of formation. If you do not know them they are Academic, Human, Spiritual and Pastoral formation. My Vocation Director gave me some additional responsibilities within our Diocesan community here at Mount Angel. He appointed me as the social chair. Meaning I’m responsible for the get-togethers amongst us and to ensure that we meet up at least 2 times every 3 months for dinner and a movie or any type of outing. It’s not must but it’s enough to keep me busy

Second semester: First week of classes

                This week was the first week of classes and I am taking fewer classes but more units this semester. Last semester I took 15 units within 8 classes. Two of which did not count for any academic credit and this semester I am taking 16 units within 6 classes. This semester I am taking Latin II. The class went from 16 to about 7 because it was so tough. And I’m sure conflicts might have something to do with it.  Intro to the Bible. This class seems really cool because we’ll be covering the whole Bible within a semester. Obviously we’ll be moving along pretty rapidly. Ethnographic Writing is just research class. We’re learning how to gather information, create surveys (both written and spoken) and some other things. Physics and Philosophy. This class is pretty intimidating because I have never taken Physics, however the class should be interesting because we’re looking at Physics through the eyes of a philosopher, and we’re looking at Philosophy through the eyes of a physicist. Reading Literature. The books that we will be covering seem interesting as well. I am not a natural reader so the only thing keeping me excited for this class is to get over with it. just kidding. I’m interested in reading fictional material because it might give my brain a “time-out” from Philosophy. And the last class on my schedule is Thomistic System. This class so far has covered the stuff that I ended my Logic class from New York. So far it’s all review. We will be studying St. Thomas and his Summa Theologica. I can’t wait to get into this class because I love St. Thomas and all the amazing work he did in the 13^th century.

                Aside from classes, it feels really good being home. Yes the seminary is a home away from home and I am really comfortable here. I had a really good Spiritual Direction meeting this last Thursday. It helped me get rid of that guilt that I had built up when I was at home for Winter Break. I am going to read Matthew 9:9-13 and ask “How Lord, did you do it! How did you not fall into the trap of the Pharisees?” Love the sinner, not the sin. Something I learned somewhere along this journey.  

5-day Silent Retreat

1/7/2011 19

                Wow! All I can say is WOW! (Well I can, and will say more haha) The silent retreat went above and beyond what I expected. I expected to come and just be quiet for a week. Not talk to anyone and just go through the motions. This was my first 5-day long silent retreat. The only other days of silence I’ve experienced was on All Souls Day and a couple of evenings of silence. We were asked to be silent for about 8 hours. This 5-day silent retreat was great because of many reasons but the ones I will explain are the ones that really impacted me.

                I must start off by saying that I witnessed a group of religious sisters this summer in NYC go through a silent retreat and they were amazingly quiet. They set my standards really high because of their silence. Having witnessed that I really tried to just let the Spirit move within me and guide me.

                The retreat master, Fr. Jeremy is a wicked-smart man. He gave 9 conferences in this 5-day span and every single session was amazing! All he did was give reflections upon passages in the Bible. BUT the depth of which he went into was motivating, inspirational, brilliant, humbling and heart-felt. He is a Theologian who teaches here for the first semester and in Rome the second.  He will be receiving a very prestigious award in 3 weeks recognizing his passion, devotion and ability to teach Theology.

                The book that I read (Light of the World by Pope Benedict XVI) was very good. I read about 35 pages every day and I ended up finishing the book on Friday. The book was a bunch of questions that were answered by the Pope. He touched on many subjects regarding the Church, himself and his predecessor Blessed John Paul II. I really enjoyed the book because 1: I noticed how much I know regarding the Church and was able to keep up with the book without many “what is he talking about” gestures. And the things that I had no idea were going on were great to hear about because they show promise and even though things might look bad for the Church, according the Pope things are getting a lot better.

                I was also to do some work during this silent retreat. I helped the Filipino Community out by making their Santo Nino booklet for the upcoming Feast Day. I was also able to make 21 Crucifixes out of clothespins. I made 5 a day and at the end of the week I snuck them into each of my Subiaco brother’s mailboxes. The Benedictines’ have a saying that work is prayer so I figured I could help by doing these things and offering them up as a prayer.

                All in all, this was an amazing experience that helped me grow spiritually. Thank you God (and the seminary) for this wonderful retreat!

Oregon - Home sweet home!

1/2/2011 - Sorry i couldnt post this sooner, i came back to a 5 day silent retreat (next post)

                Just got back to the seminary and what a great two weeks off it was! I was fortunate to spend time with most of my friends, all of my family and my parish community. I took some books and a Latin textbook home and I (once again) did not touch it! Haha. I am learning that life is tougher outside of the seminary because there is less structure. Here, I’m guided through my day, and home there is no structure and it becomes a Free-for-all type of atmosphere. While at home I hung out with people on some sort of schedule because I tried to make time for everyone, and at the same time, I had a lot of on-the-fly moments where things just happened. I can imagine Diocesan life as a Priest being somewhat the same. I did make time for prayer and mass because after all, that is what I am (at least) supposed to be doing.

                As good as it was being home, I yearned for seminary life. I needed it! Being home can attract bad habits and it is tough saying no to certain things. Up here, we’re all striving to be holy and the attitude is different. In the "real world” things are different. I am not running from these difficulties because after all, being a Priest, one is a Sheppard everyone. Especially the lost sheep.  So in one sense it keeps me up to date with what’s going on in the world, but in the other, I realized how fragile I still am and that I can still be pulled towards sin. But I DID notice it this and that is a step in the right direction for me because I analyzed what’s going on within me. And just for clarification, I didn’t do anything radical or extreme, but now, I am beginning to notice even the littlest sins (subjectively) and magnifying them in a way to what they truly are. Hurtful.

                Nevertheless, it was a great two weeks off and I am excited to come back to this 5 day long silent retreat. Pray for me because I don’t think I’ve been this silent since… ? Ever.