11/2/11 Year Two: All Souls day

11/2/11

Hey everyone happy All Souls day!

On this day of recollection, we are blessed to have a retired Bishop from the Yakima Diocese (Washington) give us a retreat and so far it has been on the love of the Father and trusting him. Or at least its what i've walked away with so far. It has been very helpful because first of all, sometimes it feels like my decision to come to the Seminary has been the biggest blessing and curse i've every had. haha The constant tug and pull of "finding" the will of God is tough. Or i should say that I make it tough because i still have trouble trusting Him. Bishop Sevilla gave us a few examples that really made me think about things a bit differently. His first example was of when he was a child and he was crossing a cable bridge. The water was so high that it would touch their feet at times and he said he was scared but then he realized that his father was holding his hand really tight and he was reassured. Like that, we too should always remember that our Father is holding our hand. The next example was that of a father teaching his son/daughter how to ride a bike. The father reassures his little one that he wont let go and they'll be okay. But when the child finally looks back because they realize they're going faster then their father could run, they realize that they've got it and they're riding the bike. And lastly, he gave an example of a new born baby. This one really hit home because my brother and his wife just had their first child and i got to hold her while i was in California. Anyway, he said that for the first few months the new born is always in someone's arms and that its good because the baby learns love and feels safe. But when the child is placed in a crib he/she will usually cry and whine because their alone and are vulnerable. Just as it seems that they are alone, the parents are teaching their child a new experience and although it may seem as the child is not loved because no one is around, It teaches the child that he/she is still loved even when the parents are in the next room. so too are we loved and so too is God teaching us to walk/ride a bike and He is teaching us to fallow him.

I hope I can just forget about the other things that hold me back. Like the lack of freedom in the sense of not being able to do everything i want, whenever i want. To know that it is all with a purpose and after all, i am happy here. I am grateful for my vocation and i need stop trying to run away and just trust in God that everything will be okay.

God bless all of you! much love to all!

9/28/11 Year Two: getting back into the swing of things

9/28/11
HEY EVERYONE! its been a minute since I've written any of these journals. So much to talk about but i know the time is limited to my own attention span and homework load. I hope this email finds everyone well.
     As for me, the first month in the seminary has been filled with ups and downs. torn between what my soul wants and what i want for myself. I have fallen in love with the academics here once again. Last year i wanted to leave because it wasnt challenging enough and this year, it is pretty tough. We're learning a lot more ancient philosophy and since i'm in between my sophomore and junior year, i am also taking classes like philosophical anthropology and modern philosophy. and since i've already taken medieval philosophy, everything is coming together very nicely.
     My own spirituality has been a challenge but i think I've got it under control now. When i was in NYC, i only went to church once a week and so i had to fight myself to get back into the daily routine. I've NEVER been a daily mass type of guy but if this is what i want, then i need.. i WANT to fall into a deeper love with God and so, i have to put in the effort. its like love with a person i guess. The couple never really wants to part for too long. then it grows into something deeper and more intimate.
     My parents came to visit me this past weekend and i really enjoyed their company. I was sad to see them leave but i know where i need to be and i've accepted this distance from everyone and well, it sort of keeps me going. I cant waste this time here because i feel as if it would be all for nothing if i let this opportunity slip by. Having my parents here really made me miss everyone back at home and every one of you who receive this email. Even though we may not speak, know that you are thought of and missed.

8/20/11 Year Two: Going back to the Seminary

8/20/11

So big surprise, I am home and ready to go back to Mt. Angel. I know I haven’t written in over a month so I am a bit behind but it has been such a crazy journey, I really had to step back and analyze everything in order to really put it all together.

School was turning out well until I realized I was not going to get the private student loan until the end of September. That wouldn’t have been too bad if my job would have given me the 40 hours a week they said they would. They changed their mind and said they would "eventually" give me the 40 hrs/week. Not only that, it was costing me $14/day just to get up and back from work. So most of my check went to traveling expenses.

Spiritually I also realized a lot about myself and what I truly am being called to.

1: I kept praying that God would open doors for me and well, I noticed that I was clearly looking for the wrong doors. Haha more about this to come.

2: I was laying in my bed one night and I kinda realized that the person I am would really fit the life of a person who gives their lives to a ministry such as the priesthood. As if I was made for more then just being a teacher/parent.Of course i have to mature a lot. but that's normal.

3: Even while I was in NY, I noticed that most of the time when I went to church, I could see myself as the priest behind the altar. I brushed it off the first couple of times this happened but I couldn’t ignore it after a while because I felt at peace every time.

And lastly, when I told Fr. John (my vocations director) about all of this, he offered to get me back into the seminary and pay for my flight back to California. I had to literally say that I wanted to return though. He makes us express ourselves accurately which is good because it helps us learn to express our spirituality. So I felt like Jonah wanting to escape God’s call only to be dragged back to where God wanted him. Haha.

NYC is amazing and I miss it already. I loved every moment of my time out there. From seeing an actual flash mob to walking the Brooklyn bridge. Running in Central Park to traveling 2 hours (4 round trip) to work 3 times a week. Even the trash can full of maggots that we found in our apartment. Teri told me to find those moments that we will hang on to for the rest of our lives and I did. I have enough memories to last me a lifetime.

NYC helped me understand God’s call for me and accept it at a deeper level. Last year I wanted to leave because I wanted to get married and be a teacher. Of course I would still love to get married. That feeling might  not change for a while; however I understand what God wants of me now and I know the sacrifice that every priest has to make. And I accept this for “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed”.

Last Journal

            So I made my decision official as of last Friday. I still feel comfortable.. I feel stress free.. I feel at peace with my decision and yes I am leaving the seminary after this semester which ends on Saturday. As I sit here and reflect on this year I can say that it has been the best year of my life and no one will ever be able to take this experience away from me. I’ve met some really holy people. I’ve gained great friends. I’ve lost a few too but only time will tell how that all turns out. I truly saw the beauty of the priesthood. I’ve see what it is to a servant and I’ve grown in holiness. 

            Three major things that I am leaving with: 

             I’ve fell in love with spiritual direction and cannot see my life without it. As soon as I get back, I will find a priest who can continue to help me see the road in front of me. I can best describe it by seeing a road filled with debris and as soon as I meet with a spiritual director, He helps me clean up the road so I can better fallow it.

            Another thing I am leaving with is the desire to learn and to give back what I learn. I am not the smartest man in the world but I know I am gifted and I am a good teacher. I just hope I can one day find a career in the education field. 

            Lastly, I’ve realized that I am called to one day get married. My spiritual director told me to be diligent so I will “be diligent” in finding the woman I’m supposed to marry. After all, I cannot find something I’m not looking for. I will be able to see God in this person and if I’m right for her, she’ll be able to see God in me. 

            So for now, I’m just relaxing and cherishing every moment I have with my seminarian brothers and I will pray each prayer as if it’s my last. after all it will be my last moments up here on the hill top. I’m excited to get life going outside the seminary because I have direction and I am confident in the person that I’ve become.

Thank you all so much for being a part of this amazing journey. I know its been like a Mexican tele-novela but its been well worth it. 

Much love and God bless you!

Holy Week

            So Lent is over and Jesus has risen from the dead. As He has risen, there’s a certain joy in the air. We as Christians are blessed to re-live these days every year because it reminds us what was given to us. The sacrifice that Jesus made for all of us in order to show us true love. 

I was able to spend Holy Week at home working at a local parish near where I live. The trip taught me a lot in so many different ways. I learned a lot about Liturgy and the importance of catering it to the community (when possible). I wanted to speak to my Pastor regarding my discernment process but I never got the chance because we were all super busy. The day that I had off, well, he did too.

 Now that I’m back in Oregon, I have 2 more weeks left. I think next Tuesday is our last day of classes, Wednesday and Thursday and finals, Friday is moving day (for everyone who is moving rooms) and Saturday is graduation. After Graduation we’re officially on summer break until August. I know I told everyone that I would post my decision whether or not I would be leaving the Seminary after Easter but I am waiting until my next journal.

This year has been one of my best years. There have been many ups and downs but I know that I’ve grown as a person. I’ve grown intellectually, I’ve grown spiritually and I’ve grown into deeper love for God. Granted, I still have my faults; I still can be immature and over react, but I know that I am a way better person now than I’ve ever been. And I will continue to grow no matter what road I take because I feel that I have learned how to ask myself questions and how to reflect on things in a way that will help me get out of those sticky situations that life can throw at us. Above all, I know God loves me and that He is always with me, especially when I’m down. There’s nothing we could ever do, that will make Him love us less.

God bless and I miss you all.

Asta Pasta

Haha i use to say Asta Pasta instead of "goodbye" or "later"..

I love having a chat with my Spiritual Director because he helps me say what I really mean. I’m pretty good at expressing myself but he just makes it so much clearer. I told him that I will be disconnecting from the outside world for the next two weeks and he really liked the idea and the reasons behind them. He felt it very appropriate and was kind of impressed I guess. He also told me that regardless of the reasons why I leave, God will always love me and bless my decisions (being that they’re good ones). That gave me some peace of mind knowing that I’ll always be loved. He also gave me some spiritual exercises and taught me how to ask the Holy Spirit to bless my future plans. I really am at peace with leaving the seminary and I feel that I’ve thought about it a lot and have come to my decision with my heart and mind. Now its time to ask for God’s blessing.

I’m also going to try to let go of all the feelings I have in my heart regarding leaving the seminary for these two weeks. I am going to focus on doing what I have to do. I was just assigned to be the lead coordinator of a College 1 outing and also a video project for the retiring faculty/staff members. So I’ll be pretty busy doing that along with everything else going on up here. I’m asking God to bless my new direction that I want to take but I’m also asking Him to redirect me if He wants me to stay.

The beauty of this is at the end of Easter, I am going to decide whether I stay or go. Once I make that firm decision, I will be at peace with myself and I will have one less thing to worry about. If I stay then I will be confident that God wants me here and I will be amazed by what I had to give up. Few people know about that. And if I choose to leave, it will give me enough time to say my goodbyes and prepare myself for the next chapter in my life. I’m not going to post anything for the next few weeks so till next time, YOU are loved and even though I haven’t talked to you in a while, you’re amazing just the way you are!

Making it Count

            Two week ago, I was already counting the days until I returned home. One of my brothers here on the hill named Art reminded me not to count the days, but make them count. I was so stuck on going home along with other feelings of emptiness that I began to get lazy in the classroom; my prayer life was suffering, sadly, I was sick and I didn’t go to prayer, Mass, or class; everything was just going down the drain for a good week or so.

            There’s a Greek word Metanoia and when I first learned the meaning, it captivated me. From my understanding, it means to see with new eyes or to change ones mind. I don’t know Greek but as far as I know that’s pretty accurate. The idea is to look at things differently in order to understand. Maybe I really needed this time to see everything with new eyes. After all, if this is God’s will, then I will somehow find the way.

            As far as I know and according to how I feel, I still am looking towards taking that 2 year Leave of Absence and finishing up my BA outside the seminary. But as Jesus was in the desert for 40 days, I feel that I am going through my desert and how else can I get out of it then by trusting in the Lord and committing myself to him entirely asking him to guide me. On that note, starting April 10^th, I will be disconnecting from the outside world until Easter Sunday (April 24^th) in order to really focus on prayer, Mass, class and community life here on the hilltop. I have faith in Jesus and if nothing changes, then I will know my place is within the married life, hopefully as a Religious Ed/Philosophy teacher. By allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, I might also see things with new eyes and if I do, I hope I have the strength to fallow His light. Thank you all and God bless! Much love always!